Inspiring Conversations

Being Honest: Ill-Gotten

  • SumoMe

Dahlia B., our newest guest contributor, ventures to be as honest as she can with her experiences on love, life and relationships. All names have been changed to protect their identity.

There was a particularly bleak period during my relationship with James when things were just not working out: there were things he didn’t ask of me but I did anyway so he resented me, and he didn’t do the things I expected, so I resented him.

There was a whole host of other emotional deficiencies that were placed on the table, but I refuse to go into detail about them. Long -story-short, before things completely disintegrated, I chose to keep communication and meet-ups to a minimum so we could regroup and take the time to cool off.

This is usually a make-or-break situation and others would say leaving things like that wouldn’t be good, but I knew James. If I continued to push, no good would come of it. By then it was a couple of years that we were seeing each other and having more time of my own wouldn’t be a bad thing. I think I had lost myself somewhere down the line.

That was when my party days became a bit more regular and my trouble-making escapades started. I went out with ‘birthday boy’ aka Julian to a club where he introduced me to his friends. They were just a bucket of fun and we clicked instantly. I had struck up a conversation with one of them and we settled in the lounge with a couple of drinks. Eric let me ramble on about my shamble of a relationship and he told me about his ex.

It was clear we were finding solace with one another. After a while Julian pulled us into the main club for more drunken revelry. We were heady on cocktails, or at least I was, and a pulsating beat. Eric pulled me in for a dance and I let him, there was no dirty grinding, just lots of fun until I saw a couple of girls sidle up to him or slip him a look.

And then I snapped. It was like I had to stake my claim. I lunged at him and there we were in the middle of the dance floor, making out. I do have to say, there’s nothing like making-out randomly with someone, especially if he’s a good kisser and boy, was he ever.

He was my first trouble-making partner. He pulled me closer and I saw Julian gawking at me. When I pulled away, Eric pulled me closer and asked if I wanted to take it somewhere quieter. I was unfortunately in a lust-induced haze and could only nod. Grabbing my hand, we hastily bid Julian goodbye and we proceeded to cab it to his place.

I only made it home the next morning with a smile on my face. The sex wasn’t fantastic, but I felt alive. I felt wanted – as depressing as that sounds and I felt more like the ‘me’ that I was before the shit hit the fan.

I’ve seen Eric a couple of more times since then, but he has completely stopped clubbing and he has since evolved into one of those annoying ‘same t-shirt’ couples. But I’ll remember him always for helping me get a little bit of my confidence back. It’s every shrink’s nightmare: ill-gotten confidence. But I was willing to take the risk and none of the regret.

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