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Laugh of the Day: Comedians’ April Fool’s One-Liners


  • SumoMe

Sara Benincasa

The New York Post complies its own list of the top comics’ favorite jokes for April Fool’s Day. Penny picks her favourite:

1. SARA BENINCASA

“I feel so sorry for Naomi Campbell. She always hires the world’s whiniest slaves.”

2. MIKE BIRBIGLIA

“Have you noticed a lot of guys think they’re George Clooney in ‘Up in the Air’ when actually they’re Paul Giamatti in ‘Sideways?’ ”

5. JIM NORTON

“Why did AT&T drop Tiger Woods as a spokesman? They’re probably just jealous he’s been in more hot spots than their 3G network.”

6. NICK OFFERMAN

“When people look at me next to my gorgeous wife, I always know what they’re thinking. And the answer is: I have a terrific personality.”

10. LEWIS BLACK

“My generation is afraid of getting old. They’re always saying 60 is the new 40. No, it’s not. 60 is 60 and 40 is 40.

That’s why they’re different numbers. And 40 isn’t the new 20 and 20 isn’t the new embryo.”

12. JUSTON MCKINNEY

“My 2-year-old said, ‘I don’t like you, Daddy.’ And I said, ‘That’s not nice to say.’ So then my son said, ‘I don’t like you, please.’ ”

14. TIG NOTARO

“Cher’s daughter Chastity is a man now. He changed his name from Chastity to Chaz. So, basically, he just kept the ‘Chas’ and cut off the ‘tity.’ ”

15. JONATHAN KATZ

“Someone sent me a DVD called ‘Asian Girls Gone Wild.’ I am not really into that stuff, but one day, in a weak moment, I pressed play, and it was just a bunch of Korean girls skipping math.”

24. SETH HERZOG

“Michelle Obama is going to ‘tackle childhood obesity.’ Well, good luck, Michelle. Those kids are hard to take down.”

25. SEAN CRESPO

“The quality of a pizza place is directly proportional to how ugly the owner is described in the restaurant name. Fat Tony’s Pizza — probably OK pizza. Big Fat Tony’s Pizza — pretty good pizza. Big Fat Tony Who Beats His Kids With Used Syringes Pizza — best pizza you will ever eat.”

32. TOM RHODES

“A friend of mine wrote on Facebook that he was suicidal and thinking about jumping off of a bridge. So I poked him.”

36. JULIAN McCULLOUGH

Mike Tyson has a tattoo on his face, which is unnecessary. Was being Mike Tyson not scary enough? If I wanted to look scary, I would get a tattoo of Mike Tyson’s face on my face.”

38. MORGAN MURPHY

I was at a bar, and a lady came up to me and said, ‘I’d like to take your picture because I’m a photographer and I photograph androgynous women.’ I was like, ‘Joke’s on you, lady — I’m a man.’ ”

52. KATHLEEN MADIGAN

“I’m sick of my vegan friends saying they don’t think God meant for us to eat cows. Well, then I think he should have made them harder to catch. You don’t see anyone eating cheetah burgers. They could be delicious, but at 60 mph, who’s got the energy to find out?”

57. RACHEL FEINSTEIN

“I went out with this guy that had pronounced hips. I don’t care if a guy is 30 or 40 pounds overweight, but don’t be voluptuous. That’s all I ask. Just don’t come to our date with a willowy, childbearing frame. I don’t care if you’re fat, but don’t look knocked up — that’s gonna confuse me.”

76. CHRIS ROCK

“In my neighborhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there’s me, Mary J. Blige, Jay-Z and Eddie Murphy. Do you know what the white man who lives next door to me does for a living? He’s a fucking dentist! He ain’t the best dentist in the world…he ain’t going to the dental hall of fame…he don’t get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He’s just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist You know what it would take for a black dentist to live in that neighborhood? If a black dentist wanted to live in that neighborhood, he would have had to invent teeth!”

via New York Post

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