For some, freedom to live does not necessarily come with the freedom to love but that doesn’t mean they will never be taken off the shelf.
An article by Penny K
She’s a smart business consultant, is beautiful and exudes confidence. Any guy would be lucky to have her. There’s just one problem, not any guy can have her. Lila*, 24, comes from a traditional Indian family where family and society play a big role in her life. She is advised to marry by the end of 2010. “It is time”, her parents tell her.
Arranged marriages in the most traditional sense is where the parents of the bride and groom come together to fix the marriage of their children usually without them meeting or knowing each other. European aristocratic families practised it to keep nobility within the family. Today, some Middle Eastern and South Asian cultures continue to practise it.
However, Lila explains that arranged marriages today take place in a very different context, “It has changed slightly. Parents are still setting their children up in terms of introducing them to each other but they are given time to get to know each other before getting married.” The final decision may or may not be the child’s to make.
There’s a reason why arranged marriages take place. In Lila’s case, she says Indian families are usually pretty conservative and the idea of having boyfriends or girlfriends is not very widely accepted. Indians live their lives according to societal norms and codes of conduct that have been set for them, or at least the more traditional ones do. And for good reason: Lila says, “Going against societal norms is seen as making the worst mistake ever. You could even be shunned.”
Like most Asian cultures that are steeped in notions of filial piety, Lila tells me that involving your parents in important life decisions is a sign of respect. I could identify with this, no questions asked. She adds, “Being Indian, we live our lives with the idea that we’re indebted to our parents so when it comes to decisions as such, we usually allow them to take over.”
I couldn’t avoid the pink elephant in the room. I asked Lila how she truly felt about arranged marriages. Not the answer I was expecting, she says, “Honestly, I’m very open to arranged marriages. I know that my parents will have my best interest in mind when making any decision for me.” It’s true if you think about it, why would any parent who has a positive relationship with their child want to do him or her in?
It was revelation after revelation. Not one to mince words Lila said, “Love is blind. When you’re in love you don’t really think about other factors that make a good marriage. For instance, how well your spouse will get along with your family or how great a parents he or she will make.” With arranged marriages, all factors are taken into consideration. With the input of parents, brides and grooms to can rest assured that their future will be secure be it in terms of acceptance by their in-laws, financial support and how respectable the family they marry into.
Before you jump to conclusions about the “tragedy” that is arranged marriages, it’s important
to know that in cultures that practice it, success stories are a dime a dozen. Lila’s acceptance of arranged marriages is encouraged by countless real life examples of parents, uncles, aunts and cousins whose marriages fixed up by third parties, worked out just fine. One cousin, in particular, has what she considers an amazing married life. He and his then prospective wife communicated for months while living in different states in the US, eventually tying the knot. The fruits of their blissful union have been plenty. She reckons couples in arranged marriages fight less. More than a hopeless resignation, it’s the desire to make the best out of a given situation.
Parents who intend to match make their children know that in order to find their child the best match, they need to ensure that their child deserves the best. Lila’s parents are always mindful about how she carries herself, where she goes, who she’s with and what time she gets back. A partying girl is an irresponsible girl and so she admits, “I suppose I’m restricted to a great extent.”
Some days we worry about what to wear to work, what to have for lunch, what to do about that urgent business report, Lila worries about all that and marriage. Her parents talk about it every single day. Throwing her hands up in the air, she exclaims, ‘Talk about FRUSTRATING!”
The biggest misconception about arranged marriages, Lila says, is that “People think we don’t have a say.” The structure of arranged marriages has changed over time. Today, the unmarried are given more of a choice. Parents are involved only in bringing two people together ultimately, the choice is left up to the love(less) birds. Parents hope for a positive outcome, but if the two don’t see themselves spending their lives with each other, there’s nothing that can be done.
People tend to fear that post-marriage, spouses might rear the ugly heads that hide behind the masks of the perfect son or daughter-in-law. But such horror stories aren’t limited only to arranged marriages. Lila maintains there’s a very slim chance of that happening. Indian parents in the process of setting their child up morph into Sherlock Holmeses, spying on and prying into every possible detail about their prospective son or daughter-in-law. Leaving no stones unturned, they will go to great lengths finding the best match for their child.
Understandably a concept very foreign to most but if arranged marriages do indeed go the way Lila had described, it doesn’t sound all too bad. From parents going to the moon and back for their children to strangers learning to accept each other, it seems to me arranged marriages aren’t all that loveless after all.
*Name has been changed to protect interviewee’s identity.
I completely agree with “Lila”‘s view regarding arranged marriage. I’m from an Indian family too, and though my parents might not seem conservative, in reality they actually are. I’m open to arranged marriages mostly because of its high success rating that I’ve seen among cousins and aunts and uncles. Also, the thing with love marriages is that before marriage, when you’re in love, your boyfriend may be putting on a kind of facade, unconsciously. You wouldn’t even think about it because you ARE in love. After marriage, on the other hand, people change. Their true colours come out and you might realise that there were lots of things you had not considered when you were dating. I supposed I’m biased against love marriages because of some very important examples of strained marriages in my life but I guess that’s just how I feel. Of course I’m not closed love marriages, I just think that arranged marriages nowadays don’t deserve the flak they receive.
Hi Darshini, yes that was the point of this feature, we wanted to address arranged marriages as they take place in the modern-day context and to provide a fresh perspective! :)